False Feelings

A Core Problem for Our Times

I’d like to start with a couple disclaimers.

First, and this is the most important one, when we express false feelings, we’re doing it unconsciously. We don’t recognize what we’re attempting to do because the ego is hiding it from our view. We are doing it without conscious intention. This is important because the old adage: the road to hell is paved with good intentions might be more precise if it’s rewritten this way: the road to hell is paved with misconstrued intentions. In our core essence, we all have good intentions, and I believe deeply there is a part of each and every one of us that still knows this.

Second, I’d like to give credit where credit is due. The term “false feelings” is not something I came up with. I heard it from my aunt. She’d been at a workshop put on by an organization called BeLovedNow. They have a website under that name, and while I don’t have any direct association with them, I naturally assume they’re doing very important work.

What are false feelings you ask? Here’s what I got from BeLovedNow:

“False feelings are thoughts masquerading as feelings. These imposters interpret the actions of others as the cause of one’s discomfort, while core feelings are always underneath the reactions. It is often easier to blame someone than to take responsibility for our own core feelings and stay with ourselves with love. This is not only the key to conscious, compassionate communication, but it is at the heart of self-love, healing, and empowerment” - BeLovedNow

I’ve been a couple’s therapist for about five years now, and my therapy office often feels like a research lab for my own continued learning. I’m endlessly fascinated by emotions, and how they so often get expressed indirectly. I’ve learned a great deal through watching this play out between couples. False feelings get tossed back and forth in nearly every session.

Once I began to give my attention to false feelings, I started seeing them everywhere. They show up in movies, in TV shows, in political commentary. They’ve reached epidemic levels in our culture. And in my estimation, they’re at the root of much of the chaos we’re engulfed in today.

If we’re to heal—individually and collectively—false feelings must be made conscious.

The word “feel” has undergone something like continental drift. Most people don’t even realize it’s happening—only the “scientists,” or in this case, those who are paying attention to the trends of language and emotion seem to notice.

Much of our learning comes from social learning, and in the absence of any formal education about effective communication and the nature of emotions, we default to learning by watching how others communicate about their emotions.

We say the words “I feel” right before many things that are not feelings.

In some instances, we may be expressing an aspect of our worldview, as in “I feel like people don’t want to talk about their feelings anymore.” That’s one of mine. Yes, I use false feelings too. But only when I’m unconscious.

In observing our political discourse, we hear something like, “I feel like republicans just want to enrich themselves at the expense of everyone else” coming from the mouths of democrats, and “I feel like democrats just want to kill all our babies” coming from the lips of Republicans.

“For the ego really believes that it can get and keep by making guilty. This is its one attraction, an attraction so weak that it would have no hold at all except that no one recognizes it. For the ego always seems to attract through love, and has no attraction at all to anyone who perceives that it attracts through guilt.” [CE T-15.VII.2:3-5]

BeLovedNow gives about twenty examples of false feelings after their description. They include words like “abused”, “betrayed”, “cheated”, “manipulated”, and “unappreciated”.

Let’s contrast these with true feelings.

True feelings are simpler: anger, sadness, fear, joy, hurt, guilt, surprise. They show up first as bodily sensations. And because some of them feel uncomfortable, we try to push them away and to find someone else to blame for their presence in us.

What false feelings are, in fact, is interpretations of other people’s feelings or intentions. We’d rather establish the cause for our discomfort as outside of us, but we’re mistaken in thinking that something someone else is doing is their cause.

The feeling of empowerment mentioned in BeLovedNow’s description, comes from recognizing the source of our discomfort is within us, rather than out there in the world. If this is true, it means that we have the power within us to transform these uncomfortable sensations into more pleasant sensations. If we believe the cause is out there, our power vanishes from our view.

In truth, we still possess this power, but we have made ourselves unaware that we do.

What most of us don’t realize is that the quickest way to move these uncomfortable sensations out of us, is by surrendering to them. When people give us the advice to “feel our feelings”, they’re saying it from a place of helpful intention. Feeling them is the most efficient way to move through them.

When we resist feeling our emotions, that’s when they feel the worst. Just like with fear.

Have you ever noticed when we’re preparing to do something that we’re afraid of, maybe jumping out of an airplane, or telling someone we like them, the fear is front and center right up until the moment that we take the leap?

From that moment on the fear is gone.

It’s the anticipation of discomfort that causes us to resist them and, ironically, it is the act of resisting them that causes the discomfort to linger.

I often tell my clients to practice feeling their feelings without thinking about the story. If we can quiet our minds of thoughts by focusing all our attention on the sensations; surrendering to them, they tend to move along pretty quickly.

You might want to try it.

It consistently works this way for me.

Emotions want validation just like us. They want to be told that they’re alright; that they have a right to be here. They’re like a big scary monster who, as soon as you acknowledge and affirm their presence, turns into a puppy dog.

Perhaps, one reason we want validation from others is because we fail to validate our emotions ourselves.

I often hear my individual clients say, “I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but…” or “this is going to sound petty, but…” Real emotions are beyond judgment. They just are. False feelings are petty, but the emotion underneath them is real.

Here’s something most people don’t realize: our emotions are often the only facts in the room. We are feeling angry when we are feeling angry. It’s a simple fact. If someone tells us not to feel angry, what usually happens? We feel angrier.

We’ve been taught not to invalidate others’ feelings—as we constantly do it to ourselves.

The problem is, we’ve mixed so much non-feeling material into the category of “feelings” that the term itself has no clear meaning anymore.

Here’s the trap: we know we’re supposed to validate others’ feelings—but what if someone says, “I feel like you don’t love me anymore,” and we do still love them? Do we validate that?

Not if it’s not true.

And then we wonder why people always get defensive when we talk about our feelings. It’s because we’re usually not talking about our feelings, we’re talking about the story that we’re telling ourselves which is entirely about their feelings, and their intentions.

There are simple corrections for this.

Even a tiny tweak—like prefacing the false feeling with “The story I’m telling myself is…” rather than “I feel like…”—can shift the entire dynamic. It becomes a true “I” statement. And it makes space for clarification by the other person, and opens the door to the potential for real communication.

“To be told that what you do not see is there sounds like insanity. It is very difficult to become convinced that it is insanity not to see what is there, and to see what is not there instead. You do not doubt that the body’s eyes can see. You do not doubt the images they show you are reality. Your faith lies in the darkness, not the light.” [CE W-91.3]

This quote links ego thoughts to sensory perception. It reminds us that our thoughts are not always true. There are two voices in us: the ego and the Holy Spirit. The ego operates from the assumed premise of separation—separate minds, separate agendas. The Holy Spirit remembers our oneness as Truth.

When both people are guided by the ego thought system, the false feelings ricochet in both directions. This is the pointless, non-constructive argument. This is not communication.

Both people are shadowboxing. Nobody is actually listening, so no information is being transmitted from one person to the other since both are in defense mode, no one is listening.

It’s like when children engage in parallel play. They are both playing by themselves, but in proximity to one another. In our conventional arguments we’re each arguing with our own interpretations of the other’s intentions, not with their actual intentions, which we aren’t allowing ourselves to hear.

When we feel unseen, the temptation is to leave. After all, if the other person isn’t listening to our real intention—if they’re projecting their own story onto us—why stick around?

They seem to have already established what our intentions are themselves.

But what if we chose vulnerability instead?

False feelings are the opposite of vulnerability. And vulnerability is the doorway to true intimacy.

If we drill beneath the false feeling, we usually find something tender: a sense of not being safe, or of not being worthy or adequate.

Take “I feel like you don’t love me anymore.”

Translate it to:

“The story I’m telling myself is that I’m not significant to you anymore.”

Then take it one more step further:

“I feel insignificant.”

And now—we’re in the realm of vulnerability.

At this level, something beautiful happens. The other person can relate. They know what it’s like to feel insignificant. This is when compassion and empathy arise. That’s where the healing begins.

It’s okay to say, “The story I’m telling myself is that you don’t love me anymore.” That opens the door. It reveals the desire underneath: “I need reassurance.” And because the other person is invited to reassure you—instead of being put on the defensive, they will more likely respond with compassion, empathy and reassurance. With false feelings, they’re being told they are responsible for our feeling insignificant.

False feelings often lead to accusations. True feelings invite connection.

In fact, false feelings themselves can be a form of gaslighting—of ourselves and others. The correction isn’t punishment. It’s clarification.

The good news? There are tools for this. I’ve developed one called Open-Hearted Listening, which is designed to help avoid these traps and create real connection. I’ll share more about it in a future article.